Random Crap

Update:
Well, as some people know, I pussied out and signed up for the eastern province competition. 8 weeks out (5 weeks ago) the ittifaq team coach called me and told me that the contest was on the 17th of January. So I say “hey, what the hell, my waist is already up to 36 inches bloated at 94 kg, it wouldn’t hurt to cut down and start bulking over but a lot leaner… it’ll make things easier later on”… let me tell you, for the past 5 weeks I’ve been doing shit that I never thought would work, but hey, 5 weeks later my waist is down to a little less than 33 inches, and my weight is around 90 kg. I don’t think I’ll be able to cut it for the 85 kg class. So, I’ll enter as a heavy weight, as lean or leaner than last year. I guess last year really didn’t go to waste! =)
Since no one is training me, I can tell you what the hell I’m doing…
8 weeks out,
Decided to go into ketosis with 2400 cals at a 30/70 protein/fat ratio. Basically 5 meals per day, each meal containing 35 grams of protein, and around 40 grams of fat. 3 of my meals were shakes consisting of isolate and olive oil, and 2 meals were eggs, or steak. Since I don’t have a microwave at work, I had to drink shakes, and they actually made my waist a bit smaller and less bloated. Trained 3 days per week, high volume to deplete glycogen, hitting every muscle once per week, no cardio. On Thursday I’d eat whatever the fuck I wanted. The first 4 days on this diet were hell. I felt like I was going to die!!! Then, when I reached ketosis, I felt great!

7 weeks out,
Switched the ratio to 40/60. added 3 sessions of morning cardio. Nothing fancy, just a 40 minute power walk.

6 weeks out,
Added cardio 5 times per week in the morning, and twice per week after training. By Tuesday I weighed in at 87 kg (down from 94 kg), completely flat with no vascolarity whatsoever. This diet was mentally very hard on me. I saw myself shrinking by the second. So I caved in. ate a pizza, ice cream… lots of crap basically. Next day, I ate more crap. When I trained on Wednesday, I blew up! My weight shot up to 92 kg and it showed on my face.

5 weeks out,
Decided to switch the diet to 2 days high carb, and 3 days no carb. Training 5 days per week, hitting every muscle twice per week except for legs. Did 8 sessions of cardio (5 in the morning and 3 after training, jogging at 4-5 mph). diet was good, lost more fat, by Tuesday, my weight hit 88 kg and I was flat again. It was the night before eid. So, mariam and I decided to just eat out all that time… til Friday.
4 weeks out,
Cardio on sat to mon, 1 in morning, 1 after training. Trained 5 days per week. Again, Saturday, I just blew up. The instructor at the gym saw me and he said “what the fuck are you doing? One day you’re fucking huge and the other you’re just tiny… what the hell??!”… didn’t know how to react to that… so fuck it… Monday I was done training legs (only carb day was Saturday, ate about 250 grams) and I was tired and as flat as shit. Ate some pizza and ice cream before bed. Woke up next morning looking a little better (Tuesday). Kept on eating oats and drinking a weight gainer that was just sitting on the kitchen counter for decades. Went to train, I got a pump so bad it was painful! Weighed in at 91 kg. went to bed (this was last night) woke up in a pool of sweat and was feeling like I hadn’t eaten for days! Went downstairs and ate some brewer’s oreo ice cream with hershey’s chocolate syrup, some slices of turkey, a can of heavy cream with hershey’s chocolate and peanut butter… usually, we don’t keep any junk around the house (except for cereal… which wasn’t there last night) so I just wanted to eat anything… luckily when only had that crap I could eat… the rest needed cooking and shit, and I was tired… woke up this morning looking like complete and utter shit. Waist was bloated at 33.5 inches and sticking out. I feel uncomfortable now. I think I over did it. Today I have to go to a wedding, and I’m just gonna eat whatever the hell’s there. Thursday I’ll eat junk… then Friday maybe take it easy… 1 or 2 meals… Saturday I’ll go back to ketosis and try to burn off that last bit of fat I have in 2 weeks so I can do a trial run for carb loading… it seems that I look my best after a day and a half of loading and drinking tons of water… the day after that I look like ass.

I’m not too worried about this stupid contest. The only reason I want to compete here (other than getting leaner) is that I’m gonna raise my PT fees for new clients and I need “credibility”. Cuz it seems that knowledge doesn’t matter at all, it’s only what you’ve accomplished…
Just incase you were wondering, the minimum fee starting from the beginning of February is 1500 riyals for 3 months. I will not accept training for less than 3 months because I’ve trained many a-retards who thought that they could go from looking like Tony soprano to brad pitt in 12 days. And some people are just plain rude. I have 4 clients who do not answer any of my phone calls, text messages, or emails at all after 3 weeks of training… how hard is it to answer and say “yeah, I don’t think I can continue with the program. I’m quite busy these days.” ???? how hard is that??

Raving Rabbids

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
BAGA BAGA!!!! BAGA BAGA!!!!!!
Baga? DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH


HAHAHAHAH I love that game!!!

30 days of night

I saw that movie a couple of days ago… I was very disappointed that it wasn’t a horror movie… it was more action/suspense… the strange thing is, I actually liked the story. Cool movie to watch if you like vampires and shit.

Super Bad

Funniest movie I’ve seen in a looooooooooong time!

Halloween (Directed by Rob Zombie)

I think we’ve established that I like horror movies no matter how stupid they are. But this movie was one of the best of the Halloween installments. The only problem was that Rob Zombie has to put naked chicks in the flick… if you’re gonna put some naked chicks in there, atleast hire some decent looking ones with fake knockers.

I know

That my brother will get pissed off if he reads this… but man… the things he says sometimes are just plain funny… the other day he asked me how many sets I usually do for a muscle. I just said that I do 3 sets for each muscle except for back, I do 6. he said “wow… that’s a lot!!! Didn’t you say you shouldn’t do that many sets?” … in the end, I found out that my brother took the initiative to invent a new meaning for the term “set”… he told me “yeah, 1 set for me is doing 12 reps, then 10, then 8 reps… that’s one set”… I said “no, that’s 3 sets”… then he said “well, that’s how I define a set.” …

… so now, other than dealing with retarded myths about dieting and bodybuilding that are WELL KNOWN TO BE TRUE because that’s the word on the street from the fat kid, I have to deal with people’s own interpretations of bodybuilding terms… I wouldn’t be surprised if I tell someone that they should “burn fat” and find them the next day at the intensive care unit with 3rd degree burns on their stomach and ass.

Happy Eid to everyone

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF RUFFLES!

The following segment is an interview with our very own ruffles... discretion is advised

Name: Ruffles, A.K.A. uffly, A.K.A. Tinese toggie (chinese doggie)

Age: 8 months (around 3 years in doggie years)

sex: Male (we're really not sure of that, since he only humps other males)

let's start the interview...

Me: So, ruffles, what do you usually do when you wake up?

Ruffles: I take a dump, retard.

Me: then what do you do?

Ruffles: i wait for boss lady to feed me





Ruffles: then the niggaz leave me home alone for about a fucking ETERNITY...




Ruffles: so i just get my mean face on and bark at the kitties til i wear myself out...







Ruffles: then, when boss man and boss lady come back, i show dem...




Me: ok... enough of your obnoxious sense of humor... since we know you're fucked up in the head and do stupid shit all the time, what are the things you usually regret doing?

Ruffles: i bet you think i'm gonna say "peeing on your pillow" but i never regret doing that... anyway, yeah... i usually regret getting drunk... one time... i saw a poster of the police looking for me... something about raping an indian janitor or something... i don't remember if i even did that... might've been shitfaced when i did that...

Ruffles: and then i fucking start trippin' on that counterfiet cheap ass doggie treats you feed me...









Me: ok, let's stop the lies you dumb ass... now tell the people what your favorite activities are...

Ruffles: i love to beat up kitties... those suckers are easy

Me: you fucking liar... we always take you out and you get scared shitless when you see a kitten... in fact, one day a kitten almost fucked you up when you came too close and she scratched your face!!!

Ruffles: nah... i was just playing with her... and i don't want to get you guys into trouble, you know, if i beat the shit outta kitties, the neighbors will complain and shit... i just want what's best for you guys...

Me: lying sack of shit...






Me: you know what's funny? when we give you a bath outside and leave you there to dry... you look so fucked up!! HAHAHAHAHA

Ruffles: yeah, you'll be laughing when i pee in your mouth tonight, bitch.




Me: ok, let's talk about something worthwhile here... you know i hate driving in saudi... and i think you hate it too... right?

Ruffles: fuck... you know i do... your punk ass and me finally agree on something...









Me: so... anything else you wanna talk about?

Ruffles: yeah... to all the people's out dey... if you have a bitch you need to get pregnant... i'm yo man... i do it for a fee though... and we have to get some fucked over breed going on... like, me and a pug get it on... we get a furry pug... that's fucked up... and funny...

later niggaz!!!!

Service Companies

As you might know, I’m currently working with drilling. So, we get a lot of service company representatives that come to our cubicles and try to sweet talk us into using their completions, bits, tools or whatever in our wells. These people have very…. Very… let’s just say very “colorful” personalities. Let me tell you about some of them:

The Jordanian and the Indian

This Jordanian dude is about 6’6 or 6’7, about 300 lbs or so, and maybe in his late forties. He always comes over with an Indian guy who is at most 5’4… the indian’s job is to say hello, smile, and keep shaking his head. From what I feel, the Jordanian really hates his job. Cuz all he does is shake my hand and try to rip my arm from its socket (the guy’s hand is as big as my upper torso… no kidding… his hand’s a foot!!!) and he just keeps talking about his cousin’s wedding. He spends about 45 minutes talking about the wedding while I wonder how the Indian doesn’t get a stiff neck from moving it around for that long. When he’s done, he just says “so, you need any bits?”

The Egyptian (No.1)

The engineer in the cubicle right next to me is hardly ever there. He says he has a job on the rig… but… well, anyway… the Egyptian’s (no.1) job is to come to my cubicle, and talk in the loudest voice he can about whether I know where that engineer went or not. And then he starts to tell me what that engineer has been up to, where he went last weekend, what he did, who he knows… etc. remember, this conversion is repeated almost every god damned day! In the end he says “tayib, awzeen haga? (do you need anything?)”…

The Egyptian (No.2)

This guy doesn’t talk much in the office… but damn, he always calls and says “hi! Are you busy? I was just wondering if we could hang out, maybe get a cup of coffee, some dinner… what do you say?”… of course, rule number 1 around here is never be polite to a service company or else they’ll bombard you with representatives from other divisions of that company thinking you’re an easy target. So I just say “no, I really don’t want to”…. The guy is fucking 40 years old! He should find another gimmick to try to sell me some bits. Some one who’s half your age really won’t want to hang out with someone like you. But, he aint the worst.

The Tunisian

OH MY GOD!!!! I’m surprised that they haven’t fired this guy yet. He is the worst service company representative I have ever met in my life!!! First of all, he arrives at your cubicle in stealth mode. What do I mean? He’s so damn thin, you can’t even hear him walk. And he’ll just stand there on your cubicle door and stare (our backs are usually turned to the entrance so our boss could catch us watching porn). You start to have an uneven feeling and you hear someone breathing. You turn around and there he is. Bug eyed, pale white, tall, thin dude. And when you stare at him, he just stands there without saying a word. You say “yes? Can I help you”… check out how this guy handles his “customers” (us). He says “mmmmm…. We have completions. Do you need completions?” like it’s fucking crack or something. I say “no, I’m not handling a rig right now. So I don’t need any completions.” He looks at my desk and sees some papers for a certain well being drilled by a certain rig. He exhales loudly and points at the paper with a straight arm and says “there’s a completion. You’re working on a well. You need a completion. Why did you tell me you didn’t need a completion?”… so I told him that first of all it wasn’t any of his business if I had a completion or not. And then I told him that this well was already drilled and I’m just entering the data in the database. He exhales loudly again and just leaves. This guy is a fucking freak. I swear there’s something wrong with him. When he walks by the hair on your neck would stand up. 2 or 3 days later… he’s back with the same “enthusiastic” routine.

The Qatifi

You know when someone says something annoying, and he thinks it’s funny and no one else does but him? Yeah… this guy comes to my cubicle every day, looks at my food, laughs and says “every time I pass by here I see your food and I get hungry. One day I’m gonna come when you’re outside and steal your food! hahahhaahah” …. After seeing me giving him a pity smile, he asks if I need bits… I say no and he leaves. Next day, same exact thing. He says he’s hungry and he’ll steal my food, then he asks if I need a bit…. Damn it!!! Here he comes again. Better get my pity smile ready.

Note: I know, I know. I’m supposed to write about a day in the life of ruffles, but it’s a pain in the ass loading the pictures on the computer and shit… I have to sort that crap out. Anyway, while you wait I’ll just write another post.

Anorexia, Muscle Dysmorphia, and the Delusional Bastards

From my own personal experience with clients, I see a lot of people fall into these categories. Well, not literally in these categories, but pretty close to the basic principles.

First, you have the people whom I like to call anorexic. I don’t mean people who weight 80 lbs at 6’ tall and think they’re fat. No, I mean people who are thin/flabby and are always afraid of “I don’t want to get too big”. These are people who usually want to look like brad pitt in the movie “fight club”. They fail to realize that they have to be on a strict diet for atleast 6 months, go through rigorous training protocols, and some mild use of hardening agents (anabolic steroids). I’m talking about people who are 5’10 and 140 lbs with no muscle what so ever. Just a flabby waist and thin arms. They’re basic understanding of building an impressive physique is “I’ll do 10 sets of sit ups every other day to get my abs shredded, I want my chest and arms to be bigger so I’ll do bench presses and dumbbell curls every day. Of course they’ll be high rip and low weight cuz I don’t want them to look huge. And I’ll do 15 sets of leg extensions with about 5 lbs for 100 reps every day to get my thighs cut. They’re big now, but they need to be cut. They measure about 15-17 inches, I don’t want them any bigger. Diet? Yeah the diet’s great. I’m eating 3 meals per day, I’ve cut out all the sodas and candy. It’s really healthy and it should build a great physique.” Unfortunately, most of my clients fall under this category. What they don’t understand (and most people don’t understand this) that the body doesn’t work that way. You have to build substantial mass to have a “small” cut physique. Most people who are thin and 15% fat don’t realize that they have about 15 lbs of pure fat to lose before they hit the 5% mark, which is impossible without losing muscle mass. At a good ratio of losing muscle to losing fat of 1:2 lbs, they’ll have to lose a total of 23 lbs of body weight to be cut and extremely thin. 117 lbs on a 5’10 individual is extremely underweight and thin. To look thin and cut, you have to have atleast 2 lbs per inch of height at a bodyfat percentage of 5-7%. Anything under that body weight will look like a starving Ethiopian. For our 5’10 friend, that means he has to be cut at a body weight of 140 lbs to look thin. Let’s see, he started at a bodyweight of 140 lbs at 15% fat. Let’s assume he won’t gain any fat during his lean mass gaining phase, which is impossible even if he’s using all the anabolic steroids in the world. Let’s assume this for fuck’s sake. He has a lean body mass of 119 lbs, and has to go up to 133 lbs of lean mass (we’re talking 0% fat here), that would equate to 140 lbs at 5%. So, he has to gain 14 lbs of muscle. If he just started bodybuilding for the first time in his life, that would be possible to do in 6 months (with some fat gain, but we’re ignoring it here). When he goes up 14 lbs, he’ll be at a body weight of 154 lbs at around 14% body fat. He has to go down to 5% fat, which means he has to lose 14 lbs of pure fat. For hell’s sake, let’s just say he won’t lose any muscle mass during this phase, but will lose around 1 lb of fat per week. This would take him 14 weeks to accomplish. Around 3.5 months. So, as you can see, it would take someone who is 140 lbs at 15% around 10 months to get down to 140 lbs at 5%... looking thin. He won’t look like a bodybuilder, but he’ll have a thin athletic build. 10 months. And most of these people want to do it in 1 month max. Keep in mind, under ideal conditions, this would take that long. Most of the time (99.99999999% of the time) it’s not even close to ideal. It’s usually crappy.

Muscle dysmorphia (bigorexia)

These are people who are the exact opposite of the anorexic trainees. I have 1 client like that, and I have a close friend who is the same. These guys usually feel really small and thin, and when they look at themselves in the mirror, they don’t see any muscle. They get jealous from the 150 lb cut gym rat they see from time to time. What they can’t comprehend is that they are twice the size of normal human beings. Some of my trainees saw my friend and said “man, I don’t want to look like him, he’s too big”. Most successful bodybuilders have muscle dysmorphia. It usually drives them but makes things a lot more difficult. They can’t diet down for fear of losing muscle, and they’re afraid of cheating because they think they’ll look like a whale. Most people in this category don’t train and diet to “impress girls” or “trying to keep healthy”, they do it to get as big as humanly possible. That is why they usually end up with health problems down the road. They just push their bodies way beyond what they’re capable of handling and never lay off. And yes, this is a psychological disorder just like anorexia is.

Delusional Bastards

These guys are the fucking worst. These are the people who give bodybuilding a bad name. People who are 25-30% fat, lift weights, and think they’re huge and cut. They look like fat slobs with no muscles what so ever. They’re always “leaning out” by not eating any food what so ever and lift with high reps and light weights. Why? “because I’m really big now, I don’t want to get bigger while I get leaner, I’ll get too big then. Now I’m just shedding fat and defining my muscles”. And they always say the dumbest things ever, like “I can gain muscle easy. Last year I used creatine and I gained 40 lbs of pure muscle in about a month. I have no problem gaining mass, but I just don’t want to get too big”. I know this guy in the gym and he was talking about his vacation and how he went down to California and he was the biggest dude on the beach: “man, I was ripped like no one’s business. My arms were around 20 inches, my back was so wide I couldn’t keep my hands on my sides. My waist was around 27 inches. All the girls were all over me down there. But I don’t like being that big. I think it’s too much and too many people think I’m on steroids”. He went on vacation in June and came back in July. I saw him a couple of days before he left, and immediately after he came back… the dude is 5’6, weighs around 170 lbs at about 30% fat, his arms are (at most) 13 inches… he went and came back looking exactly the same, maybe a little fatter when he came back… but the guy doesn’t even look like he works out. These guys are the absolute opposite of bigorexic bodybuilders. They look in the mirror and think that they can win the Mr. Olympia, when in reality they look like they can get 1st place in a pie eating contest. I used to have a client like this, but I stopped training him after he wouldn’t listen to a word I said and was bad mouthing me all over the gym. For people who don’t workout and read this, think of people like that as being the guy or girl who has a huge, thick uni-brow and says “it’s a well known fact that a uni-brow is considered one of the sexiest facial features ever”.