Excerpts from the Diary of a Pissed Off Bodybuilder

The flies are coming!
Ok, so I got fed up of my old program and decided to switch up a bit (yeah, this is the millionth time I’ve switched my plan but you go f***ing crazy when you diet like this). Before that, I was getting too f***ed in the head. You really won’t know what I’m talking about until you diet for a contest. I couldn’t think straight… I didn’t know what to do. So, I decided to get help from a professional. This guy prepares bodybuilders for national contest… have you ever seen nationals? These guys usually go on to get their IFBB pro cards. Anyway, I only had 6.5 weeks left, and after he saw my condition, he agreed to work with me. Ofcourse, things never come easy for me. The site didn’t accept my credit card… and I couldn’t fund a paypal account (so if anyone knows how to fund one from Saudi, please tell me). The only option left was money order, and that would take too much time, so I just cancelled that idea. I can’t count on trainers here, cuz let’s face it, the only criteria we have for trainers is that they won a couple of contests… and that’s it. Anyway, I’m almost ready for the stage and I’m a little less than 6 weeks out. I only have about 3-5 lbs of fat to lose… so, I decided to up the cardio from 6 to 12 times a week and have 2 separate carb loading days only. This means I’d have to wake up everyday at 4 am to do cardio. Which brings me to the flies. MOTHER F***ERS!!!! The moment the sun starts coming up… those bitches gang up on you. Nothing worse than the feeling of seven flies landing on your sweaty skin and moving around. Nothing like starting your day as pissed of as hell at 5 am. Seriously, they piss me off in a way you can’t believe. I’ve been contemplating carrying a can of RAID around with me while doing cardio. I first thought of bringing a shot gun with me, but then I remember how small flies are and how bad a shooter I am (once, in a shooting range, out of 100 clay Frisbee thingys… I got one… true story).

CAN’T YOU WALK FASTER YOU FAT F***!!!!
Just to be clear, I’m a fast walker… and thank god my wife is, too. Cuz you have fast walkers that go around 3.0-3.5 mph… and you have average walkers that go around 2.8 mph… then you have the slow ass f*** faces that go 1 foot per day. If you’re handicapped or something, god help you… if you’re not… f*** you! I doesn’t take much to piss me off these days… really… I have a bitch of a time controlling myself infront of my wife. We were in Bahrain the other day at the mall. We were headed to the movies and I wanted something to drink real bad. Also, I wanted to piss real bad (but we’ll talk more about that later). And you know how on the second floor of malls they have like two 3-4 ft wide walkways with a huge gap that looks down on the first floor? Yeah, Maryam and I were walking quick and zigzagging around people until 4 women were blocking the whole walkway with their fat asses walking at 1 inch per week. Obnoxious, fat, loud, skanky women, I’d say around 18-22 years old… wearing abayas that were too tight for a 3 year old… let’s get one thing straight before I go on… ladies, if you have a f***ed up body… try to cover it up… a curved up tight abaya would only make you look like an oversized hour glass with love handles. Let’s see… if a woman saw an obese man walking around in the mall wearing a tight shirt, with his boobs hanging down, and his belly dipping to the depths of hell, also wearing tight shorts where you can see his ass crack from the top of them, would she say “wow! Look at how sexy he looks!”… no… she’d probably vomit. And unless a man is into BBW fetish and sick shit, he’d also vomit if he saw a fat assed woman wearing that shit…. Back to the issue… these skanks were blocking the whole way… we were walking behind them and I was saying “excuse me… excuse me… hey… excuse me”… bitches didn’t give a shit and they were talking and laughing and shit… so I started boiling inside… then I remembered that my wife was with me… I was like “hey!!! I’m married!!!”… according to the laws of physics and arabs, nothing will happen to me if I offend a woman while I’m with my wife. so I charged fast and nudged the fat one on the edge a bit hard and she said “weeeh?” … I was like “WEEEEHAIN!!! SALA7IF INTO??? IMSHOO ZAY INNAS!!!” … Maryam just started laughing … surprisingly, those women shut the hell up after I said that... this was on my first low carb day… if it had been my 3rd low carb day… I would’ve kicked her in the back of the head instead of nudging her.

Pirates of the Caribbean
COULD THEY MAKE THAT MOVIE ANY F***ING LONGER!!!???

Low body fat sucks
Right now I’m around 7% or lower. I don’t care to measure my body fat (since the fat caliper isn’t accurate at all… plus I ran out of batteries and I’m too lazy to buy more). Anyway, it sucks major ass to be at a low body fat %. You start smelling funny, you fart like crazy (huge issue when you’re married… especially at night… you can’t let one out and hope it doesn’t seep out of the sheets), you get bloated at the drop of a dime (one day waist is 32, the other it’s 33.5… crazy shit). Well, there’s no more cheating right now, cuz I’m playing catch up… I need to be ready in 2 weeks to start f***ing around with water. Hopefully I’ll be competing at the 85 kg class this year… this morning I weighed 84.7 kg… I’m shooting for a 82 kg on stage…