Excerpts from the diary of a pissed off bodybuilder

Goat herding and playing the game of “who gets to stop at the light first”

Have you ever had that thought of going back in time and doing things differently? You know, when you didn’t have much time to think when an incident happens, but after the fact, you say “I should of done this and that… god I’m so stupid!!!”. Yeah, well, that happened to me yesterday. Unfortunately, here in Saudi, showing affection and love towards your wife in public is a “sin”. People would look at you like your doing it doggy style to your mama in the middle of the street. A while ago I asked my friends that if it’s just me, or is it that everyone stares in a hateful way when I’m holding my wife’s hand in public? My single friends said it was just me (Thankfully, all my friends have been raised very well and have very good manners… seriously… they do… so, they don’t think like typical Saudis… yeah you know what I mean). But one of the guys that was married told me he had the same problem. You see, I do not feel comfortable when I walk with my wife unless I have my arm around her, or at least holding her hand. I have no problem if people stare because the norm of having a woman and her children walk behind her husband like goats behind their herder does not tickle my fancy (or as jawad would say, tickle my pickle). Hey, my wife likes it and that’s all that matters (I like it too =D). but yesterday, we were walking out of the car to the grocery store and I had my arm around maryam. I heard someone honk… I looked back and the car was far away, so I wasn’t in his way… when he came closer he honked again and I looked inside the window of this banged up old car, with a 2 or 3 year old kid standing on the front seat of the car, and this “religious figure” in the car was waving with his hands as if he’s saying “WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??!” and he drove off slowly… at first… I thought he wanted to ask for directions… then when I saw the look on his face… I thought “what the hell is wrong with this guy?”… when he started driving off, it hit me. So, I started waving my hands to have him stop… he drove off. I was bothered by this the whole day… don’t get me wrong… I wasn’t bothered by the fact that he’s a dirty, stupid, closed minded, ignorant, rude, son of a bitch. Or at the fact that he honked at me in front of everyone twice while creeping up behind me in his car. I was bothered by the fact that I was dumb enough to (1) not realize that he honked at me the first time, (2) thinking that he wanted to ask for directions or something when I saw him, and most importantly (3) not chasing him, dragging him out of his car, and beat the living shit out of him in front of his son. Now, let’s get one thing straight… to everyone out there, having a long beard, wearing a shmagh or ghutra without the tire on top, and wearing a thobe that goes down 1 inch below your knees DOES NOT MAKE YOU AN AUTHORITY!!! AND DOES NOT GIVE YOU A RIGHT TO STATE WHATEVER OPINION YOU HAVE IN PUBLIC!!! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bashing everyone that looks like that. I know a bunch of good friends that are religious, do the beard and thobe thing, but they represent islam in the best way you can think of. I wish we had more people like them, and less people trying to impersonate a religious figure to get respect he doesn’t deserve. What these “imposters” need to know, is that there is a HUGE difference between the words of Allah in his qur’an, the prophet’s sayings, AND YOUR PERSONAL STUPID FUCKING OPINION! You want to enforce Allah’s religion, go ahead… but enforcing your personal opinion gives you a right to get the shit beat out of you. Sadly, some of the prophet’s sayings are forged. For those who are crying “BLASPHEMY”… please tell me that you don’t believe in the hadeeth that states that a woman only goes out on 3, from her mother’s womb to her fathers house, from her fathers house to her husbands house, and from her husbands house to her grave. Or the hadeeth about hejama? Give me a break, please. I don’t like to talk about religion this way, but some people blindly follow things THAT ARE NOT WRITTEN IN THE QUR’AN because some “figure” that has a beard and a short thobe stated his own opinion as religious fact. Just to make sure, I’m not against any religious person. In fact, I respect anyone who dedicates his life to serving god FOR GOD’S SAKE. But I am against every f***er who poses as a religious person and in fact is an immoral ass hole. Just like the guy who honked at me. Where in the quran does it say that I can’t hold my wife’s hand, or put my arm around her in public? … as for those who fucking bug the shit out of you about how you should do this and that because the prophet said so, especially the idiots who keep on bashing people for handing them things with their left hand (as I know, people used the left hand to wipe their asses back then… that’s why they used the right for other things), I don’t see ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO KEEP ON BUGGING YOU ABOUT IT SHAVE OR TRIM THEIR MUSTACHES!!! Although the prophet said to cut off your mustache and let your beard grow… I don’t see you doing that.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE GOING 180 KM/H JUST TO BE THE FIRST GUY WHO STOPS AT A RED LIGHT?? Are you f***ing crazy? Good god… People here are just unbelievable… I mean, a Toyota echo is not meant to do 190 km/h on the freeway. What the hell is wrong with these people!! You know what the sad thing is? That people from Riyadh or Jeddah think we drive very “defensively”. Defensively my ass! I see they have a new campaign out called “enough” to decrease idiotic driving. I have a better idea. Since no one respects speed limits, and police officers here enforce these “laws” for a day or two… here’s my “who’s your daddy?” campaign idea. If you’re a Saudi male, and you see my campaign signs, you’ll definitely obey the law. Here’s my idea, you put up signs close to speed limit signs that say “if you go above the speed limit, your mom’s a whore”… “your sister’s probably giving out blow jobs for free, if you cross the speed limit”… “only fagets change lanes without signaling”… “you like driving on the yellow lane? So do people who have sex with animals”… Now, tell me you won’t slow down and drive like a freakin’ human being when you see those :) …
Other than that, people really should know what it means to drive at a speed above 120 km/h. Ok, I admit, sometimes when I’m going back home and I’m late, I go between 120-140 km/h ONLY WHEN THE CLOSEST CAR TO ME IS AT A DISTANCE OF ATLEAST 5 CARS. I know it’s wrong… but I don’t do it often. And I get scared shitless when I go that fast. Why? I’ll tell you why. Go outside, run as fast as you f***ing can, and slam into a wall… do you think it’ll hurt? Maybe you’ll get a concussion, broken nose, scrapes…etc. you were only going around 10 km/h… imagine slamming into that wall while going 120… imagine that wall was another car… with a 2 month old baby inside… imagine that wall was a car with a newly wed couple on their way to the airport to go to their honeymoon… imagine that wall being a car with a college student that’s on his way to get his degree… imagine that wall being a car with a father going back to his wife and kids… if you are a careless driver and you don’t care about your own life, no one gives a f***… but other people care about their own lives and the lives of people who are close to them. Drive safe, everyone. And always remember that your life, and other’s lives, are much more important than being 2 minutes late…. AND F*** EVERYONE OF YOU WHO GOES 180 KM/H AND THEY’RE JUST IN A HURRY TO GO NOWHERE!!!!